


Tinder fucking sucks

by Deathhvvalley



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Anal Sex, Blowjobs, Fluff and Smut, Joe is fucking feral, M/M, Pete works in Walmart lol, Sex Toys, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, everyones fucking gay, handjobs, it ain’t that deep, just two bros being bros, maybe a lil but like, not much angst, pit bulls, so does joe, there will be sex woops, tinder sucks, two dudes being gay!, two dudes being guys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2021-01-02 16:27:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21164630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deathhvvalley/pseuds/Deathhvvalley
Summary: If you had told little innocent 7 year old Pete Wentz that he would be working in a Walmart at the ripe old age of 25, living off of spaghetti and red bull- well he wouldn't be too surprised. There were pros and cons to everything, I suppose. A major con in this situation was the angry old white people who's only hobby seems to be yelling at Pete over an expired coupon for Cheerios.





	1. The Wonderful People of Walmart

"But I got this two weeks ago! It's not expired!" Pete was pretty sure he was going insane. "Ma'am, the coupon clearly states it expires November 2nd-." He would say something quirky like he'd "lost all faith in humanity" but that went out of the window years ago. If you had told little innocent 7 year old Pete Wentz that he would be working in a Walmart at the ripe old age of 25, living off of spaghetti and red bull- well he wouldn't be too surprised. There were pros and cons to everything, I suppose. A major con in this situation was the angry old white people who's only hobby seems to be yelling at Pete over an expired coupon for Cheerios. 

Said old white woman stormed out of the Walmart, barging past a clearly stoned (or maybe hungover) Joe, who barely even noticed and carried on walking towards Pete. "You on break yet?" Joe asked, Pete squinting up at him as he continued to scan items for a middle aged guy who had bought an inhumane amount of Poptarts. "Clearly not. I'm on break in like 6 minutes." Joe just nodded, not really listening; he was too focused on the mysterious Poptart man. A pro of working in Walmart is all the fucking weird people that walk in, different from the old white people, these guys are just fucking odd. Pete's seen them all, from Mormon missionaries who actually tried to convert Pete while he was scanning their shit, to a cryptic looking dude who walked in with his "pet" opossum. Said opossum was as feral as it's owner, Pete decided to let his manager deal with that one. 

"There was a fox behind the dumpster earlier." Pete loved Joe Trohman a lot, he was a very good friend and a decent roommate but holy fucking shit the things that he said sometimes were fucking dumb. "That's cool." Pete replied, clearly bored and clearly trying to focus on his job. "Ya, I fed it some salami." Joe continuously had a lazy grin on his face, like a weird cartoon character; same facial expression and same clothes every god damn day. But, he was pretty funny, in a "without knowing it" kinda way. "Wait you went near it?" Pete took a moment to fully look at Joe, hoping he was joking, even the customer at the till was giving Joe a concerned glance. "Fed it from the palm of my hand, bro.”

A positive, Pete had quickly discovered, of working at Walmart was all the cute girls (and the occasional cute guy.) A strong negative with that is the fact that Pete would most likely never see them again. There’s this ginger bearded guy who comes in every couple of weeks (he buys all that weird tofu vegan shit) that Joe is pretty much in love with. Pete served him once and Joe actually physically pushed Pete away from the till so he could try to talk to his vegan ginger crush. Pete was about 99% sure his name was Andy. Either way, Joe had found his mysterious Walmart love, they flirted occasionally and it was clear Joe was smitten over this guy.Pete however was... his relationship status was completely non existent, he hadn’t gotten laid in about three months and he was getting pretty sick of his hand. 

Some of the guys who walked in were cute, like real cute. He spotted this blonde guy- nope that’s definitely strawberry blonde (he knows the difference.) This STRAWBERRY blonde guy walking directly to the frozen aisle with headphones on- ah fuck. Pete was a social creature, one of the only things that got him through his long ass day working at Walmart is the socialising. Even if it’s a simple “have a nice day!” it made him feel like a human. That small bit of human interaction is completely shattered when the customer is wearing earphones/headphones. Joe calls him fucking weird, he hates talking to the customers. He always talks about that one time he asked this guy “how is your day?” and he responded with “my sister died this morning.” But that’s less of a “social interaction with customers” thing and more of a “people who shop in Walmart willingly are crackheads” thing. 

The cute strawberry blonde guy thankfully went up to Pete to actually buy his shit. Ah, a tub of triple chocolate ice cream. Pete could hear the music Cute guy was playing, it was clearly Adele. There was only one diagnosis here, this guy just got dumped! Which isn’t something Pete is celebrating at all, it just means Cute guy is definitely single. Which would give Pete a chance in a world where he isn’t a fucking cashier at Walmart and Cute guy’s the customer. That shit only happens in stupid movies, their eyes lock together and they both immediately fall in love. Pete was just silently praying Cute guy looks up at him and then he can wink or smile or do ANYTHING; not really expecting love at first sight.

Cute guy left and it was eventually the end of Pete’s and Joe’s shift. Joe bounced over to him, grinning like a madman “I got Andy’s number, he said it’s weird for us to keep having our dates in Walmart.” Pete snorted “nah I think it’s very romantic, I wanna have my wedding here.” Pete was definitely a romantic at heart, he loved the idea of picnic dates and slow dancing in living rooms and elaborate engagements; y’know, all that jazz. But he hasn’t really been able to express any of that onto a person, he’s dated but he’s never been in a decent long term relationship, which kinda sucked. “Weddings huh? You see a cute girl today?” Joe wiggled his eyebrows slightly as he unwrapped a lollipop he snatched from god knows where. “Guy, actually.” Pete corrected, only furthering Joe’s eyebrow wiggles. “Mhm... I see... cute blonde in the cardigan?” 

“Strawberry blonde. But yeah.” Pete chuckled slightly, Joe knew him too well. Pete wouldn’t necessarily say he had a type, but of course he had a fucking type everyone does. He liked innocent looking ones, the ones that can then be kinky motherfuckers in the bedroom and scare the absolute shit out of Pete. He liked that stuff. And Cute guy was definitely innocent looking, pretty blue eyes and soft pink lips. Total babe. “You get his name?” Joe decided to interrogate Pete a bit more on this, it was funny seeing him blush. “Nah, he had headphones on.” Joe audibly “oof”’d and shook his head “cold man, if it’s meant to be it’ll be.” 

Tinder fucking sucked and Pete despised Joe for making him download it. All the attractive people were either too far away or had bios like “I don’t like dogs.” Who the fuck doesn’t like dogs and lets that be their entire personality? Joe had suggested Pete download it after they talked about Cute guy for a while on their drive home, Joe coming to the conclusion that Pete really needed to get laid. Pete was mere seconds away from giving up and going on a little date with Mr. Hand before he stumbled upon none other than Cute guy himself. Patrick Stump. Yeah that name sounded reeeaal nice coming off of Pete’s tongue. He was cute in pictures, his bio was looking good too. “Recently got out of a relationship, roommate recommended (forced) me to dive head first into the dating pool again. I love Prince more than life itself. Let’s go to an aquarium and talk about Hells Kitchen and what the best pop tart flavour is.” The icing on the cake was definitely “If you hate pit bulls fuck off.” 

So Pete was in love. He super liked Patrick immediately (yes he payed for the option to super like) and stared at his phone for a few minutes waiting for a response before his eyelids started to droop. Man, work was tiring, and flirting is tiring too. He fell asleep sprawled out on his bed, phone clutched in one hand. Pete woke up to a near dying phone, a few snapchat notifications and a little notification from tinder. He hurriedly scrambled around for his phone charger before he opened up tinder, grinning to himself at the message from none other than Cute guy himself. 

Patrick: If you say anything other than cookies and cream you’re a liar.

Pete chuckled, actually shaking his head a bit at the audacity of this guy before typing out his response.

Pete: That’s chocolate chip erasure but okay.

Pete grinned when he saw Patrick respond almost immediately.

Patrick: Now that is a very very bold choice but I respect it.

Pete let out a huff of air through his nose, y’know that thing you do when you see something funny on your phone and you just kinda “hff” from your nose? You know what I mean. He decided to be even bolder and shoot his shot.

Pete: you free tonight? I’m down for an aquarium date. 

Patrick: fuck yeah. Sounds good.

Maybe Joe isn’t as big of an idiot as Pete once thought. 


	2. Life is like a box of chocolates

Patrick: I've got three Pit Bulls. It was either I adopted them or they were gonna be put down, kind of an easy decision.

So things with Patrick were going well, their first date was simple and cute, it was mostly the two of them watching the California sea lions and guessing what their names were. Pete had decided Patrick was the best person in the world to talk to, he had actually refused to talk to anyone else on Tinder; only opening the app to talk to his "Walmart lover" as Joe kept calling him. Turns out Patrick's roommate (who coincidentally also forced him to download Tinder) was none other than Vegan Andy from Walmart. An incredibly small world. Pete and Patrick laughed a bit at the coincidence, turns out Andy talks about Joe a l o t.

Pete: they're your babies.

Patrick: YES THEY ARE. Honey's ten years old now, she's grey around her nose and whiskers but fuck they're all my babies.

Pete grinned as he brushed his teeth, checking the notification on his phone. Patrick was cute, and funny, and seemed to think Pete was cute and funny too. Which was a positive. He was a catch and Pete was determined to not fuck it up.

Pete: That's so fucking pure. I'd love a dog but taking care of Joe is hard enough. One time he got a raisin stuck in his ear.

Patrick: he sounds feral, but in a good way.

Pete actually burst out laughing in the middle of the bathroom, causing Joe (who was walking by) to poke his head in and see what was going on. "Pete? You don't laugh. Woah you're smiling too? Has someone drugged you? Oh no is this like that new Netflix show with that guy who played Mike from friends? Are you a clone? But a good clone" 

“Joe you say so much yet you’re saying so little.” 

Joe laughed this time while Pete gargled some mouthwash before spitting it out. "I'm talking to Patrick. He called you feral."

Joe furrowed his eyebrows "I don't know what that word means but I'm not!"

Work was shitty, it was boring and long and Pete just wanted to get home and get ready for his second date with Patrick. That's right, Pete somehow scored another date. A movie date too, at Patrick's house. Pete had no idea how he had gotten this lucky. Patrick had told him to just wear whatever was comfy, so he had a vague idea of what to wear. He settled on some jeans and just a plain black T-shirt with a jacket. He wanted to wear his denim jacket but the denim on denim look made him look like an absolute smackhead so he decided against it. Joe formally wished him luck before he left the apartment, making him snort and slap his shoulder gently.

Patrick's apartment matched his personality perfectly, it was warm and cosy and- were those fairy lights? Fuck, Pete wanted to move in already. His own apartment was alright, it was small and continuously smelt like weed (thanks to a certain Joe Trohman) but this place was gorgeous. Patrick poured them both a glass of wine and they sat on the couch together as they waited for whatever Patrick was cooking to be done. "Where's the dogs?" Pete asked, raising an eyebrow at the lack of pit bulls circling his feet and chewing on his shoe laces. "Andy's took them for a walk." Pete's eyes widened at the thought, but he then remembered Andy was strong enough to snap his spine in half; so he'd probably be fine. "He'll be back soon so you can meet them, they'll love you."

Patrick was right, they did love Pete. Maybe a bit too much. He was pinned to the floor and almost licked to death before Patrick whistled and they all sat down, smiling and wagging their tails wildly. Bailey was the youngest, she was only 18 months old, a pretty tan colour with the cutest whiskers. Diesel was the middle child, he was 5 years old and even though he was the chunkiest out of the three of them he still acted like a lap dog. Honey was definitely Pete's favourite, the grey around her eyes and whiskers was so fucking cute and she sat by his feet as they ate dinner. "Where did you buy these meatballs?" Pete asked once they were finished, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and cringing slightly when he saw the leftover marinara sauce there. "Oh I made them myself." Patrick grinned a bit, scratching behind Diesels ears, Pete could hear his tail whack against the kitchen tiles. "Man! That's so cool! You're a really good chef."

They ended up sitting next to each other on the couch after dinner, Patrick draping a blanket over the both of them as Pete looked through the films on Netflix "What do you wanna watch?" Patrick shrugged, looking at the TV. "Uh... yknow what, you put on whatever you want and I'll judge your taste." Pete chuckled, rolling his eyes playfully. He decided to put on Step Brothers (Patrick called it a classic and Pete snorted.) It was slightly tense, at least for Pete it was. Their hands kept on brushing but Pete didn't have the courage to go any further, thankfully Patrick wasn't a coward and half way through the film he took Pete's hand, intertwined their fingers and rested his head on Pete's shoulder.

Pete shuffled back into the couch so they were cuddling, wrapping an arm around Patrick and half burying his face in Patrick's hair- he'd blame it on the wine. Damn he had soft hair, and soft hands; all of Patrick was soft. He was so warm and cuddly, you really couldn't blame Pete for starting to doze off. "I should get home." Pete murmured, rubbing his eyes and breaking the comforting silence that fell over them once the film ended. Patrick shook his head "It's late, you should stay the night. Get some sleep." Pete grumbled as a response, tugging Patrick closer to him before he fell asleep.

He woke up to a certain someone licking his face, he opened his eyes as his body jumped. "Bailey get down! Leave Pete alone. It's sleepy time, baby girl." He heard Patrick whisper yell, Pete chuckling gently. "I'm awake, I'm awake." It was only autumn but it was fucking freezing, yes that's definitely why Pete curled back into Patrick's warm soft side, snuggling his face into his neck. "You chilly?" Patrick whispered endearingly, Pete nodding and letting out a relieved sigh when Patrick wrapped the blanket around the two of them again. Pete hadn't woken up next to someone not platonically in a while (joe likes to take naps whenever he feels even the slightest bit sleepy, so he falls asleep a lot next to Pete.) He forgot how wonderful it was.

Patrick looked absolutely delicious, a sleepy blush tinted his cheeks and his hair floofed up; bed head suited him well. Patrick had to get up to feed the dogs and left Pete again to chose something for them to watch, he put on Forest Gump (because it’s a fucking good film, watch your whore mouth) and was relieved to see Patrick’s satisfied grin when he came back. “Forest Gump, huh?” He asked as he got comfy again, Pete wrapping an arm around his waist “it’s a good film...” he murmured, his voice still deep and rough from sleep.

Diesel and Honey were curled up with them, Bailey was on the floor playing with a rope toy and going absolutely feral. Patrick was still warm, he just had such a relaxing energy to him. And he kept on doing this magical thing where he scratched at Pete’s scalp and damn Pete felt like he could purr. It felt really domestic, and sappy and...

Yeah he could definitely get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forest Gump is such a good film, I had a week off from college and I watched Forest Gump like 6 times. I also watched the muppet movie, like the second most recent one, three times in one day. I cried at it and I don’t know why. Anyway I’m actually enjoying writing this, updates might be a bit spread out bc of college work and like my actual job but I’m gonna update when I can!

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!! I hope y’all like this! <3


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